Alive and Kicking

I'm sorry i haven't written in a while but i have been trying to get a few things sorted in my head and in my life.  I have also been away for a while over at Gareths my 3rd cousin. 

What has happened with me and Buzz has really knocked me over, what hurts more is the one person that i could ever truely talk to about it doesn't believe me.  I just want that person to know that i don't lie about things like that and i don't lie to my best friend.  I really don't mean to sound harsh i just don't understand how that person could even question it why would i lie?  Can't they see that it is literally eating me away inside?  Each day i try to forget what we shared, forget the memories forget the feeling that lies so deep within my heart but i can't.  My mind just turns numb.  I'm not going to sit here and wail over it like i usually would,  i'm not going to put a blade to my wrist to block out the pain but only because i am worth more than that, if there was anything he taught me it was that.  What i am trying to say is just because i don't cry, just because i don't overdramatise my feelings does not mean that they are not there that this is an illusion, a fake facade.  I have learnt through life that there is no point in trying to prove your innocence or even repent from your guilt at the end of the day if people judge you then no amount of proof is going to change things.  I know how i feel and i know what happened and thats all that matters to me.

On other news i went to Gareths over the weekend which was really cool.  others.  It was a good night considering i got really pissed and probably ended up talking much more than usual.  It ended up that this Steve ended up listening to me babble on about poetry and writing and diaries and telling him he should never enter into a rel because they are shit.  Ah well.... he didn't seem too bored but then what would i have known i was pissed!  Apparently he was asking after me today through Gareth so now i really think i must have been in a state for that to be mentioned.

At the moment i am home with some other of my cousins that are staying for the summer.  I only just met them yesterday.  They are sooooooooo sweet.  There is Coley (10) and Stephan (8)  I am having more fun with them than i could possibly imagine.  You wouldn't believe it but Coley reminds me alot of me when i ws a kid but then i suppose it runs in the blood?  Shes such a little heartthrob and is very clever at getting what she wants but she does it in the most adorable way that even my heart melts for her.  Stephan on the other hand in my opinion is a very calm little boy he loves talking to me about yugio god i just love them both to bits!!!

On other news and this is VERY significant to me, i got a tatoo yesterday.  I got it on my wrist.  The tatoo was designed by Matt, the kids step-dad i think.  It has a japeneese symbol of eternity  and is banded in a celtic bracelet.  On the bracelet are thorns coming out of the side each with a droplet of blood coming out of the end.  It goes the whole way around my wrist but doesn't join as to put a ring around your body is counted bad luck.  If you haven't got it from the description the tatoo symbolises my cutting and the eternity symbol means that i will never do it again.  I know in the past i have said this over and over again but this time i am serious.  This time it is forever.  I always promised myself that if i stopped cutting i would get a tatoo, not just any tatoo but one that symbolised the end.  I have beaten the cravings for a while now through everything that has happened so when Matt came he designed it for me and it is perfect.

I really wish i could write more but my darling little sweetheart Coley is sitting near me and i can't talk much at the moment so goodbye for now.

I feel like screaming now. I feel like breaking down and crying and bashing my head against the wall so many times that my face is so unrecognisable just so that no one can see the tears running down my face.  I want to cry.  WHTY?  Because the person i am in love with, the person who i have loved with all my heart has left me and i feel so raw and yet so dead.

It started last wednesday and i have been in hell ever since, i am still in hell....  Buzz talked to me, i can't believe that things could change so drastically, that his feelings could change.  I suppose i was just another girl, just something that he liked for a while, just another conquest.  Why have i always been second best?  Why can't for once i be the person that they love completely.  I feel so used so hurt.

At the moment all i can think of is what he said... those words that ripped my heart to shreds "It was good whilst it lasted" Was that all it was?!!!! It wasn't on my part.  I loved him, completely and my heart is breaking, literally weeping with pain. (I wish my wrists could do the same)

He read someones blog today.  He got angry with me like he never has done before.  All i want to do is cry. Why?????  It wasn't my fault!!!! Or was it? I never meant to cause him any pain and now it's over and it's ripping me apart.  whats worse is that i see him quite often i have to see him with other people, people that aren't me and smile from a distance, i suppose it's so easy to lie with a smile.....

I can't write much more all i want to do is sleep and cut (i suppose at least i don't have to worry about that anymore i want to bleed my tears away.) 

To a good friend of mine who warned me too late if only i had listened..........

My life is always full of pain what a fool was i to think that this would be any different.  That i deserved one ry of hope when darkness is my only friend.

Ok so theres alot to tell as alot has happened for me since last i wrote so i suppose i will sum it all up in points.

I cut again on my leg and hit a vein it has since healed and i have promised myself that it will never happen again plus i have a deal with Buzz that if i do then he will cut twice which really makes me determined not to slip.  By the way Alex i am so sorry for not texting back i suppose i have a habit of really freaking you out and i'm REALLY SORRY about that.

I am working up at this playscheme where i basically am there to facilitate kids playing.  It's really cool because i get to play stuck in the mud with them and all sorts and the kids have really taken to me there.  They age from about 7 to 16.  Yesterday it was really really hot and they ended up filling milk bottles up with water and pouring it all over me.  I was soaking as they kept on doing it but it was all fun and they actually listened to me when i told them that they were not to wet anyone that didn't want to get wet.  So all over i am really enjoying working with them.

However.... There is a guy there who is also suppossed to be working there called Joss.  He's 16 years old and is a spit of David.  I am not going to go into the ins and outs of why he is or what he has done as it will just make my blood boil but what i will say is that he is a danger to kids and he hit Kayley another worker yesterday.  The guy makes me so angry i feel like i wanna kill him - but hey thats life!!!!!  All i can say is that he better not hurt somone else when i'm around and if he ever even thinks of going near me again then he won't only have me to answer for he will be  a dead man walking.

I don't want to be on here too long as i want to spend the rest of my night with Buzz as i haven't seen him the entire weekend and i was missing like crazy.  I don't think i could ever express in words how much i really love him annd how much he touches every being in my heart, i wish i could.  I wrote him a poem the other day and he loved it.  I tried to describe it then but my words fell short of the truth.  The truth is there is no other person in this world for me and if i died tomorrow to spend one night with him would make my life complete.  When he went away for the weekend i felt as if a part of me was dead.  I don't mean that in the depressive sense i just mean that without him i feel that a part of me is missing.  When i am with him it's almost as if our souls join and i am finally at peace.  I know i am being really soppy at the moment but it's how i feel.  I do worry about him sometimes though.  There are days like today when i haven't had much sleep and i wake up feeling shit and depressed.  I know it isn't "normal" but it's how my life is.  It doesn't mean that i don't love him any less because i don't smile - ya no?  I am so sorry to cut this short but i really have to go, it may sound daft but i'm missing him already.

NOW I KNOW HOW ANGELS FEEL.